One mom told how she taught her children to listen. “I use this technique whenever my boys are in conflict over a toy. I sit them down with the toy on the table and say, ‘You can play with the toy as soon as you both agree on a plan.’ I encourage them each to share an idea and listen to the other’s idea.

I teach them about compromise, working together, and sharing, but I let them work it out. Sometimes they’ll both be stubborn and I’ll have them stay there until they can agree on a plan. I coach them along when they need it. They must always report back to me before continuing to play, providing an opportunity for me to affirm unselfishness and cooperation.”

It can be fun to teach a five-year-old how to persuade a two-year-old, or help two eight-year-olds negotiate a solution. Conflict is turned into cooperation through listening.

I (Scott) like to joke with children, “Do you know why God made lips for your mouth but not for your ears?” or, “Why do you think God gave you one mouth and two ears? It’s because God wants you to quiet your mouth sometimes, so you can listen.”

James 1:19 gives children very practical advice. “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”  As a parent, you have many opportunities to teach this valuable skill.

What are some ways you’ve been able to teach your children to listen to each other? Click here to tell us about it.

This tip comes from the book, Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes In You and Your Kids, by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

This tip was used with permission from the National Center for Biblical Parenting.                         
Visit them at http:www.biblicalparenting.org

And you’re probably right, but only because you’ve taught your children to wait until you’re angry before they have to obey. You give your kids cues to know when you mean business. Those cues tell your child that it’s time to respond because your action point is coming next.

There is a definite connection between action point and anger. Many parents use the energy from anger to finally take action. When parents learn to tighten up their action point, then they don’t have to use anger as the motivator. In fact, anger can often be a flag that your action point isn’t tight enough.

If you find that you’ve relying on anger to motivate your children, then it’s time to make a change. First, though, you need to develop a new plan. What signals do you want to use to indicate that it’s time to clean up, or it’s time to go? Maybe you’ll use the child’s name and obtain eye contact and use the word “now” in the instruction.

When you’re ready to make the change, talk with your children. Explain that you have been wrong in teaching them to wait until you get angry before they start obeying. From now on you are going to tell them once, then comes the action. If your child doesn’t respond to the new cues then move right to a consequence.

You may use a warning at first as your children are learning to respond to new cues. This helps them see that you mean business, but don’t add several warnings or you defeat the purpose. Develop a routine with your kids so that they know when discussion or delays are over and obedience is required.

We don’t encourage parents to always demand obedience. Children also learn from negotiation, compromise, and cooperation, but there is a time for children to respond whether they like it or not. Your kids need to know when that is and clarifying your action point will help them learn it.

This tip was taken from the CD series, Eight Secrets to Highly Effective Parenting, by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN. You can also learn about an Action Point by reading the book Home Improvement, The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kids.

This tip was used with permission from the National Center for Biblical Parenting.                         
Visit them at http:www.biblicalparenting.org

Talk about the physical indicators that anger is approaching. These cues are different for each person. You may even use yourself as an example. How can you tell when you’re starting to get angry? Maybe it’s furrowed eyebrows, tightened facial muscles, rapid breathing, raised shoulders, hollow feeling in the chest, clenched teeth, tightened fists, pursed lips, wide eyes, or a change in tone or pitch of your voice. Identifying these early warning signs of anger can help children feel it coming on before they react.

Point out these early warning signs in others. Virtually all children’s animated videos contain exaggerated facial features to depict emotions. Watch a video and point out the times when someone gets angry. How could you tell? This exercise is helpful for identifying one’s own cues but also helps children see anger coming on in others. If you teach children how to respond to the anger of others, they can learn to be peacemakers instead of troublemakers.

Take action earlier. Once you see the cues, stop the escalation before it starts. “Bill, it looks like you’re getting upset, come over here and settle down before things get out of hand.” Earlier intervention will eventually help your children make those same choices for themselves and teach them how to manage anger in healthy ways.

This parenting tip comes from the book, Home Improvement, The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kids by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

This tip was used with permission from the National Center for Biblical Parenting.                         
Visit them at http:www.biblicalparenting.org

All too often parents, believing that they are stronger, smarter, and more powerful, are willing to put on the gloves and enter the ring to “teach this kid a lesson” or “put him in his place.” The key indicator that says you want to accept the invitation to fight is your harshness. The intensity increases as each party is determined to win the battle. Unfortunately, setting ourselves up as opponents does more damage to the relationship than we expect.

Instead of getting into the ring with your children, imagine going around the ring to the child’s corner and becoming a coach. You might say, “I’m not going to discuss this with you while you’re upset. First, you need to settle down and then we’ll talk about the problem.” Or, “The way you’re talking to me sounds like you’re trying to provoke me into an argument. I’m not going to fight with you.”

Coaching children out of the boxing ring means that we stop dealing with the issue at hand and instead discuss the way we’re relating. Moving our focus from the issue to the process has a dramatic effect on the relationship when things begin to get tense. The parent refuses to become a sparring partner and instead looks for ways to improve the relationship. This doesn’t mean that the child will instantly become responsive, but it does mean that the parent chooses a different posture, one that offers healing instead of antagonism, and closeness instead of distance.

This parenting tip comes from the book, Good and Angry, Exchanging Frustration for Character In You and Your Kids, by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

This tip was used with permission from the National Center for Biblical Parenting.                         
Visit them at http:www.biblicalparenting.org

When you hit those challenging moments in family life, how do you respond? You probably have certain routines you use in conflict situations or when you’re stressed or upset. One mom tells us, “I call it my ‘take charge mode.’ I just start taking control of everything, giving orders, solving problems, and managing people. Unfortunately, I don’t always do it in a gracious way. I become more interested in reestablishing my authority than in building relationships.” A dad admitted, “When things get tense in my home, I retreat. I know that’s not the best but it’s the way I’ve always responded to conflict.”

When things get tense in your home, step back for a moment and evaluate the patterns that have developed. One of the ways to change those patterns is to see the routines that you use when you’re under pressure. It’s amazing what happens when just one person begins to change. A whole family can change a pattern, but it all starts when someone decides to relate a little differently.

We all know that children function best with routines in their schedule. They also benefit from learning good relational routines. If you will take the time to teach children how to respond well to instruction or correction and then practice those healthy routines, you will not only make family life easier but you will teach your children something they will use in relationships for the rest of their lives.

This parenting tip comes from the book, Good and Angry, Exchanging Frustration for Character In You and Your Kids, by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

This tip was used with permission from the National Center for Biblical Parenting.                         
Visit them at http:www.biblicalparenting.org

1) Blocked Goals. This is the kind of thing that happens to you, as a parent, when you want to do a project in the playroom and find that Billy has left his Legos all over the floor and you keep stepping on them. Or, Billy may want to play with his train set only to find that his sister is using it first. These are blocked goals.

2) Violated Rights. That’s when you, as a parent, are in the bathroom and your daughter keeps knocking on the door. You believe you have the right to go to the bathroom in peace. Your daughter may get angry because her brother came into her room and took her favorite CD. Those are violated rights.

3) Unmet Expectations. You had expected that when you got home you would be able to rest but instead you find a big mess. Or Jackie thought she would be going to McDonalds but instead you chose to go to Pizza Hut. Those are unmet expectations.

4) Experiencing Unfairness. When someone takes a toy from a younger child, you may feel angry as a parent because you see unfairness. Or, Tom may feel angry with his teacher because she picked someone else for a privilege he thought he deserved. Those unfair situations can provoke anger.

Whatever the situation, after a child has settled down talk about the cause, discuss the value of sacrificing rights, readjusting goals or expectations, and handling unfairness in a godly way. By examining the causes of anger, you can help children gain greater perspective and develop longer lasting strategies for managing their emotions.

For more ideas about helping children deal with anger, consider the CD set, Eight Secrets to Highly Effective Parenting, by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN. A plan is also sold separately in an individual CD entitled, Helping Children Deal with Anger.

This tip was used with permission from The National Center for Biblical Parenting.  If you’d like to visit them or receive tips yourself, you can sign up at www.biblicalparenting.org

One of the ways to counteract this tendency is to teach children to be servants and Christmas is a great time to start. Planning and giving gifts, preparing food treats for others, setting the table, and cleaning up Christmas messes are all ways to demonstrate servanthood. You might have your children take turns giving out the gifts that are under the tree instead of just finding their own and opening them up.

Listening to others, watching family members open gifts, saying thank you, sharing, and looking for ways to help are all ideas for kids to demonstrate a servant attitude at Christmastime.

Use the word “servant” and teach children about its positive meaning in life. Talk about how being a servant is really a gift to others. After all, Jesus became a servant by becoming a man and coming to earth as our Savior (Philippians 2:5).

Servanthood is one of the honor solutions for sibling conflict. To learn more, consider the book, Say Goodbye to Whining, Complaining, and Bad Attitudes In You and Your Kids, by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

This tip was used with permission from the National Center for Biblical Parenting. Visit them at http:www.biblicalparenting.org

An action point reveals the cues that you mean business, that the words you are saying now are not just a suggestion but that they are an instruction you expect your child to follow. An action point is the point in the interaction where you stop talking and start acting by giving a consequence.

In some situations the action point is very long in coming. Why do babysitters get taken advantage of? Some babysitters have no action point. Grandmas fall into two categories. Either they are critical because your action point isn’t tight enough or they have very little action point at all.

We don’t want to suggest that you avoid talking and just start commanding children around with threats of impending doom. What we’re suggesting is that your children need cues besides anger that the discussion is over and it’s time to follow through. It may be a particular kind of look or tone of voice or a choice of words. One dad said, “When I give an instruction I try to use my daughter’s name and I’ll often say the word “now,” for example “Kristen, please get in the car now.”

Children are smart and they learn different action points from various parents, teachers and leaders. In some ways it might be helpful to view it as a game recognizing that kids learn how to play you. They continue what they’re doing up until the point when they know you’ll take action. Your children know your action point.

Take time to decide what you want that action point to look like. Avoid meanness and teach your children cues that will avoid harshness or anger. Those cues can be a great asset in keeping relationships healthy.

To learn more tools for family life, consider the book, Home Improvement, The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kids, by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.

Today’s tip was used with permission from the National Center for Biblical Parenting. Visit them at http:www.biblicalparenting.org

When: Sunday, September 12th

Time: 4-7pm

Where: The Caesar’s Home Click Here for directions

What to Bring:
RIBS! Bring your famous recipe and lets see who can make the BEST Ribs out there.
Side-dish for our potluck style dinner.
Lawn Chairs
Swim Suits

Join us as we celebrate, fellowship, EAT, play volleyball, horse shoes, jump in the bounce house, swimming, etc.

Please contact Robert Donstad if you will be bringing some Ribs and other FOODS. Thank you!

When children learn to obey they learn to give up their own agenda for someone else. They learn to listen to an instruction and follow through with it. They learn how to be responsible, check back, and complete a task. In short, when children learn obedience, they not only make family life easier but they also develop the character that will make them more valuable in the work place, the community, and the world. In fact, learning to obey parents teaches kids what they need in order to obey God.

We say that obedience is “doing what someone says, right away, without being reminded.” Children as young as three years old can memorize this simple definition and understand what it means. Parents sometimes think that obedience is the same as compliance. When a parent says, “I can get my children to obey eventually,” that’s not obedience. Compliance is only part of obedience. When you say to your son, “It is time to go to bed now,” and he says, “As soon as I’m done with this game,” that’s not obedience; it’s an excuse for disobedience.

As parents, it’s okay to negotiate and compromise with our children sometimes, but too often children aren’t mature enough for this. In fact, they are demanding, unable to give up their agenda for someone else. Cooperation requires that both people give and take. In order to get to that stage, children must first learn how to sacrifice or follow. Once they learn that, true cooperation can take place.

Teach obedience and you will give your children a valuable gift that will be used for the rest of their lives.

This parenting tip comes from the book, Home Improvement, The Parenting Book You Can Read to Your Kids by Dr. Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.